The End of a New Beginning Drawing Near

Hi family and friends! I've read all your posts and can I just tell you how meaningful they are to me? Memories I've forgotten, laughs and stories that make me crack up! Feeling my heart burst open through these tears I shed, I feel so close to you. Thank you for opening up and sharing what you have. I believe I have the most creative, loving, deep and nurturing friends and family EVER! How lucky I have been in this life!!!!! Read this slow and consider its meaning: I LOVE YOU! I ALWAYS HAVE AND I ALWAYS WILL. You inspire me, you make me want to be a better person, and you have given me the most beautiful gift in life, unconditional love. I really love you.

Since my last post, I have spent a considerable amount of time, thought, and heart into the anxiety and excitement of my nearing death. One day you will understand all of this. Having lost my father 4 years ago and sitting with him in hospice, I had no idea UNTIL these last few months what he might have been going through. I'm an empathic, feeling, nurturing person and I sat with him and watched verbal and nonverbal behaviors, his suffering and his good times. I had NO idea until now what all of it meant. I do know now. You know that old saying, "you don't know a person until you walk in their shoes?" Believe it. It's true. I've been with 2 friends near their passing over and I was with my maternal grandfather when he lived with us before he died. You can never prepare yourself for this moment. Not really. You will see what I'm talking about some day. Know- at a distance - that it can be the most beautiful, peaceful, serene and quiet time where inspiration is found in all sorts of amazing ways but you have to be open to it. It can be scary and lonely as well. Just sitting with all that takes a lot of energy. I'm a passionate spirit and I feel things from the depth of myself. I've been wrapped in emotions since the last blog. I'm so glad I "dove into the wreck" (Adrienne Rich) to discover and be able to handle what I just learned today.

Pain has been increasing in my abdomen. Its stretched out and extended to the point I can't get relief from it. I also have a major headache that is on the right side my head and moves to my right eye. The pressure behind the eye is really painful and both the abdomen and the headaches keep me crying out for more help. It was getting harder and harder to sleep without these pains waking me up. I also have a rash on my neck and on my arms. The hospice nurse came yesterday and she suggested getting into my oncologist first thing this morning for a CT of my brain and to assess the rash and abdominal pain. The brain ct came back clear but the hardness of my abdomen and the stretching and extension of it led her to look in my eyes and she saw jaundice. She explained that the rash is also an indicator of late liver failure. All together, she concluded that I have a month left. I would agree based on how I'm feeling. I'm sleeping more and sleeping deeper and just last Sunday I said to Nancy, "I think we better call everyone, I feel like I'm slipping away."

Some family and friends arrived at our house this afternoon and I felt very healed by that. I'm still in a state of "perpetual" shock because, well...I kept thinking I'd have 6 months more.

Sharol has done an AMAZING job of keeping a schedule for me and it has been working extremely well! Now though, I'm sad to say, I'm done. I'd like to now turn to my family and friends and chaplain and social worker and nurse, my partner and my dogs for my last few weeks on earth. I hope you will appreciate this.

Know in your hearts that if I haven't talked to you in a while or only by the blog or phone or email, I still love you and always will. Reread the beginning of this blog to know how important and special you are in my life. For all the things you've done or said or taught me: THANK YOU! I will be seeing you later in heaven!!! Now that's exciting! I'm so curious and can't wait for that moment.

You can help me in one more way. Please take all that love you have for me and turn to those closest around you and tell them just how much they mean to you. Don't wait. And that makes me happy!